Growth

I've always loved journaling, since I was young and barely knew how to spell enough words to write down what I felt. It came naturally to me as a private way to express the feelings I did not always know what to do with. Now, it's something that keeps my life at peace which can be increasingly harder to do on my own. 

On this warm May morning, I flipped through my 52 Lists journal that I had started a year ago and never gotten past List 19. These pages were thoughts and feelings flooding me as I adjusted to what felt like moving backwards and forwards all at once. The magic of journals is that they capture all the emotions of that moment of life and when reading back on them, for me at least, that all comes flooding back in ways I often did not remember feeling. 

That was how I felt flipping onto this page, emotions clogging my throat and clouding my eyes. Handwritten at the end of a list of things I would always feel grateful for was this...

"I am learning to love the sound of my feet
walking away from things not meant for me."

Growth. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Right above it I talk about coming to peace with making my choice to leave the life I had dreamed up in Chicago but not genuinely feeling that peace yet. Trying to feel the earth under your feet again when you had spent the last 18 months walking on clouds is not an easy journey, but when taken one step at a time, you wake up a year later and it feels like transcending. 

In life we have choices, different paths we could follow, paths I believe can be equally as empowering. Committing to one does not mean letting another part of you die off. That's the magic of humanity, we can be passionate about many things all at once. 

I gave up a lot of things by jumping paths but, I never gave up myself. 

And by not giving up myself, I can look back and be proud that now, I am happily running in the direction that excites me as much as others and is working to meet my goals for life. I love listening to those hard earned foot steps behind me. They made me who I am, strong enough, empowered enough, genuinely me enough to keep moving forward. 

That's why I write. 

For the me that needs a reminder of how far I have come. 

Dreams

Last December, I wrote pages and pages in my journal, pouring out my heart on the idea I had of dreams at the time. It resembles a heartbroken letter to a lover whose love will always be undying but logistically, it just does not make sense to keep putting in the effort. I wrote that day,

"Chicago has my entire heart and leaving here is going to hurt more than anything." 

I wish I could say now, seven months later, that I was wrong. 

I had tried writing a post on here about what was happening in my mind at that point in time. It felt entirely impersonal. It still feels entirely impersonal. But in a lot of ways, the decision I made to change my life was  largely impersonal and heart-wrenching because it required me to give up everything that made me the happy human I was. Following my dreams was always something I had felt I wanted to do, but until I discovered Chicago and Loyola, I had no idea what following my dreams even looked like. This was the first time I had felt so called and so passionate about becoming part of that life, being my best person in every aspect of life.

"I couldn't imaging my life without going here for one simple reason: I didn't think I could actually do it."

Regrets are not something that has come with the return to my old life. A lot of pain and mourning has taken place over the last seven months, but not regrets. Part of what made my time in Chicago so special was that it gave me the space to be everything I wanted to be. My time there was full of personal growth, becoming the fearless, without doubt, adventurous, social, and independent person I always wished I was.

However, my resources had been completely exhausted and while the two majors I had weighed before entering college still remained at an equal passions and talents wise, the job market and my empty bank account tipped the scale. The looming decision brought my anxiety to levels that terrified me, rendering me completely helpless and feeling out of control.

But regrets, those will never sink in. If anything, I am eternally grateful for the woman that time made me. If I went back to that day where I had to decide where to start my college career, I'd always choose this path, 100 times over, I'd jump with my eyes closed straight to Chicago.

"Nonetheless, dreams change, they don't fulfill us like we expect them to, even if they're perfect. And that's when the real leap of faith happens."

While, yes, my dreams changed, the old one still completely fulfilled me in a way other things still haven't. Contentedness if a feeling I have become intimate with, knowing the choices I've made right now are what are shaping my future, one that I have complete faith in. My Chicago dream was perfect. But the real leap of faith is happening now, happened last November, happens every day when I wake up in a place that is not Loyola Chicago, and I have to keep leaping. 

I am the lucky one, but I still deserve to mourn

I've decided that the month of April is just a sucky month. It used to be my favorite, when I was young and didn't really know what pain felt like. Now, it seems this month comes every year to haunt me with things increasingly worse...worse than I imagine things could have been. 

Let me give you a little bit of background:

Last April my Aunt died on the morning of April 8th, my half birthday, and the day of my prom...my senior prom that didn't at all go as planned and just made a heartbreak more heartbreaking. My Aunt was old, suffering greatly, someone who had been so sick for so many years that she'd escaped death's grasps many times already. My prom date was supposed to like me back and we were supposed to discuss that. Fun fact: he's been dating the girl he went back to college to hours after I dropped him off after prom. 

This year, I don't even know where to begin, it started before April with the sudden and senseless killing of a close friend. Now, my cousin, who was happily pregnant has found out she had a miscarriage. This doesn't even take into account the amount of loss I feel for our global community right now...so much senseless killing of the things that make our world the most precious. All of us. 

Me,  I am healthy. I am thriving in school. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have two beautiful cities that I call home. I still have so many friends and family members that make my heart so happy. I am good. I am the lucky one. 

But when do we stop denying ourselves suffering just because it's not us that the bad things are happening to?

It's funny, yesterday I had a conversation with my aunt, my aunt who was preparing to welcome her new grandbaby who is no longer on the way. She said to me that it's good to let ourselves feel so that things don't get bottled up and we live an unhealthy life. All I thought was I wish I knew how to do that, how to attack my feelings head on instead of keeping them inside forever. 

How did I get this way? Let me fill you in on that too. 

12 years ago I was a first grader who had a few really good friends. One of them was named Gino and we spent time in the after school program that my mom ran. He was a ray of sunshine and I like to play with him because he was so positive and that's something I have always lacked. Happy by nature, yes but positive, no. 

One day my parents came home from something and I remember sitting on the arm of our couch and hearing my mom say to me "Gino is dead." I was 7 years old and I didn't understand what dead meant really. I knew the word and definition but someone just being gone forever? No idea. 

The next morning I was in my first grade classroom and somehow Gina had come up, as does when a student dies and I remember crying (side note: the biggest pride of my kindergarten year was that I didn't cry once). Then remember almost as quickly as the tears started a girl said condescendingly, "Why are you crying?" I remember fleeing to hide behind this giant stuffed animal penguin in the cubby next to mine. I remember feeling it was so wrong for me to mourn and be sad. 

I don't think I ever got over that feeling because I still felt like that little first grader all week while my friend was fighting for her life, when the news came she was gone, at the beautiful prayer service surrounded by our friends and classmates. I always need to be the strongest and there are always people who are out there who have it worse. Somehow that's engrained into my being more than anything else. 

I've come to call this my self destruct complex, because that's what it has turned into. The thing is though, when you've not been properly dealing with emotions for 12 years, it's hard to remember what it is like to have a healthy emotional process. I have no reference point or a before when I felt like my heart and mind were in order. It's been a mess for years with peaks and valleys with the only shining light being "time heals all wounds." 

Well, I don't think time can do all the work on its own. So, as I am less than 6 months out from my twenties and feeling again that suffocating grief and shouting reminder that I am the lucky one, I am searching for a way to let myself be unlucky for a minute. Let myself feel the pain and heal from it so that I can truly be that strong person for others. 

International Women's Day

I had never been to Washington, D.C. Not once in my entire life until today, International Women's Day. It feels prophetic, like a calling of sorts to put things into action that I've wanted to do for a long time. It feels wrong to sit here and not record my thoughts in the city that founded my country. 

In my humble opinion, education is the key to life. It's also a great privilege that not many in the world are lucky to have. I have been blessed with the best education possible in my life and it has made all the difference. I understand our government and I have learned the versions of history that aren't whitewashed and male focused. I am lucky. 

History is a funny thing; it predicts the future if we look closely. And yet, in the year 2017 we have not learned to learn from the past to make change in the future. It feels like it could be the 1800s and I am part of Susan B. Anthony's women's movement. It could be a century in our past and I am joining Alice Paul and Lucy Burns in their movement. So much has happened since then but not nearly enough. One thing hasn't changed though, women are pushing the world to be better and leading the way on the path to change.

It's disheartening that gender is still a determining factor for who holds the power when really, each person is born equal. Society has built a constraint. Gender roles need to end. Men can be emotional. Women can be stoic. Anyone can be anything they want to be. And as a national who stands for "liberty and justice for all," we are all to be held accountable when things are not done in the name of liberty and justice. 

No matter who you are or where you come from, it's clear that there is more we can do and better that we can do for everyone. 

This month is Women's History Month and as a passionate advocate for feminism and a history nerd, I want to share those women's stories that aren't told. 

Now, women, be YOU! You can do anything and be anyone. Break down the barriers for yourself and for others. Celebrate the women who have changed your life. But, when it comes down to it, celebrate yourself.  Celebrate your power as woman. Know your strengths, your passions, your dignity and use all that you are to make your life what you want it to be. Celebrate yourself. Celebrate women. 

Dining Hall Blues

It's week 4 of second semester and my body is ready to rip me a new one. To give you some background, my biggest worry about going to college in the first place was how dining hall meals would make me feel. I have a long history of most foods upsetting my stomach, especially heavier foods. That's the kind of food you usually get when it's being made in bulk. 

Well, semester came and went with little issues. I felt like I was pooping all the time but you know, that's what happens when majority of what you're eating is carbs and cheese. That's about all I trust in the dining halls, at least. 

This semester, it seems the quality of food has either significantly decreased or my insides are simply sick of the crap that's going in them. Probably the latter. I'm sick of it too. I love food but what fun is it when eating makes my stomach churn so much I'm afraid I might vomit. Yeah, no fun. 

I'm exhausted. I'm bloated. My skin has been breaking out since I've gotten back to school. My emotions are completely out of whack. 

I've had enough. 

For the next few days, I'm going to try out a few juice cleanse drinks and switch over to eating only fruits and vegetables..and of course feeding my addiction to dark chocolate...in hopes of that something in that will clear out the grossness in my body. 

I originally started this blog with a lifestyle and wellness positioning, as a way to share my journey and a way to hold myself accountable for goals I set out. That's what I'm doing here now. 

We're all on a constant journey to try and understand our bodies and what makes us feel good versus what does not and this is yet another step for me. 

Hopefully I'll be back in a few days with positive results from this change in diet and cleansing juices. 

XOXO,

Gretchen

6 Highlights of 2016

Globally, 2016 has kinda not been the best. Maybe it seems that way because I am getting to the age where I can better understand everything happening in the world and I have a say in things in my country. But I think we can all agree that we are looking at 2017 with hope for an opportunity to create change for the better.

Personally, 2016 has been one of my best years yet. Last January I challenged myself to really move out of my comfort zone this year and find a peace within myself that would carry me to wherever I wanted to go. I knew the year would offer many challenges for me with my first solo-trip, high school graduation, and moving out of my home on top of trying to learn how to manage my ever-increasing anxiety. With every year, there were some downs. Some weeks and days that just felt plain awful. I think I cried more this year than any other year I can recall. I am the worst off financially that I've ever been. But, even with all that, I look back at 2016 with a huge smile and as possibly my favorite year yet. So here we go, in no particular order, my year!

1. People. I have met and nurtured so many relationships this year with people I've known for my entire life and faces that I've only just known for a few months. I kind of am known to hate people and really, I still don't like people all that much. But, the more people I meet, the less hopeless for humanity I feel, despite everything. I've made some of the most amazing friends this year. I feel truly blessed that I've gained so many friends in Chicago and U can't wait to see where those friendships and the ones from home continue to grow.

2. Anxiety. My number one beast from 2015 was my anxiety. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't happy and I couldn't control it. After many visits to my counsellor and so much trial and error, I've found what is working for now to keep me in check. Some silly things still get me riled up, but I know what I can do to calm down and ride the waves with minimal effects that are damaging to my life and relationships.

3. Solo-Travel. While I wasn't staying alone, it was a bit daunting going to a new city and traveling in and out of it on public transit (which I'd never used) for the first time. This was one of my favorite trips ever, getting to stay with a best friend and her puppy and meet her family, watching my favorite sport at it's peak (sadly not my teams peak) and meeting the athletes, and exploring a new city. It was everything I could have wished for and was so empowering. I paid for the flights, the tickets to the events, organized everything for myself and that in and of itself felt amazing. I would highly recommend it and plan on doing similarly many more times.

4. Sports. I think it's every sports fan's dream to see their team in action. I'm not a conventional sports as I follow women's soccer and figure skating so it's a little more challenging than heading to a big city to see your favorite national baseball or football team. Luck really struck with me this year though as the figure skating world championships were in Boston and a grand prix event in Chicago and the USWNT was playing in Chicago. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I saw almost all of my favorite athletes in action.

5. College. I wasn't sure at all what to expect going into my first semester of college but whatever standards and expectations I had were completely hit out of the park. This semester was a home run. Don't mind the baseball puns while I reminisce about going to the Cubs victory parade. College has taught me a lot of things. How to live with friends down the hall, make time for eating, study and work, and still find adventure in the world around me. It's hard. It's really hard. But, somehow in all the challenges, it has made me feel more alive than ever and see the beauty in living.

6. Loving Myself. This is something that was a big focus for me this year. I don't generally feel unhappy with myself, so I don't mean this in that way. My focus was on bettering my life and I found that to do that, I had to find what made me feel good and do things for me, not for others. Sometimes it's important to be selfish in small ways and this year I learned how to balance that and still be giving. This wasn't an easy thing to learn at all. Sometimes I really want to do things but it is key to put myself first. The key is knowing you and being true to you.

I look forward in 2017 and see there are things I've lost over the past year in this time of so many transitions but I look knowing that that is okay. This was a pretty tough year but looking back and seeing the progress I made as a person makes every challenge worth it and my smile spread just a bit wider. Here's to another amazing year!

What They Don't Tell You About Your High School Senior Year

It's the year long awaited, when you can walk the halls with the confidence of knowing no one else is above you and the academia looking easier than junior year. Yeah, funny, none of that is true, or maybe it is, but you will have so much else on your plate it will feel like the hardest year yet. 

The first two weeks of my senior year were full of fun moments, the excitement of getting back to school after a long summer of nannying, welcoming a fresh group of students. It's exciting. It's nostalgic. Over the entire year, the thing I found so surprising was the emotion that would take over me when I saw younger students doing things "typical" of their grade level; timid freshman creeping down the halls, sophomore know-it-alls, and juniors taking it all in before their reign. After months of trying to really figure out what this feeling was, I settled on pride and excitement, for how I'd grown and how these girls would grow too.

Stress is key, and learning how to handle it on your own, by far my biggest struggle of the year. I wanted to do everything, spend as much time with my friends as possible, maintain my grades (senioritas is still real, more on that later), work, and meet new people on those terrible college facebook and group chats. This year is all college prep which is basically leaving you to learn how to work in a college setting, my home life reflected that too with my family being at home less and less. 

Here's the breakdown on the stress timeline:

First semester is filled with college applications, being worried about scholarships you can't apply for until the next calendar year, passing literature, missing French class, getting accepted into college, extracurriculars, planning spring break (also more on that later), and learning how to be a role model and not a lecturing advisory leader. There's nothing like spontaneously applying to a school in Paris only for the Paris attacks to happen two weeks later, and your rejection due to them a few days following. Despite that, I felt a little spoiled in the college decisions area. My first acceptance was from my number one choice school and came before any of my friends heard back. I will never forget the moment though, that my phone beeped while sitting outside for lunch to welcome me to the Class of 2020.

Second Semester was interesting to say the least. I found that once I had all my acceptances senioritas took over me for a good month or so around February. Although, once the reality of making a decision and financing that decision came to be I spiraled into a constant state of panic. I ended up revisiting two schools that I didn't love and weren't a smart choice for me merely because they were cheaper. In the end, I put down my deposit where my heart was and so far, even though I have yet to really do anything at the school, have not regretted it since. Although, the roommate thing was a bit stressful. A Facebook page or groupchat full of hundreds of people you've never met is quite intimidating, especially when you're looking for someone to live with for the next year. Luckily, I met someone I get along with very well and I am so excited for our year living together!

 As far as the whole, turning 18 adult thing of senior year goes, it's not as big of a deal than I expected. The only real difference was me having to fill out forms at the doctor's office. But, as far as independence goes, I did take my first solo vacation and it was the experience of a lifetime.

While it wasn't completely solo, I stayed with a friend and her family, I planned, paid for, and experienced a lot of new things on my own. I went to Boston for the figure skating world championships, pretty nerdy, I know, but so amazing. I commuted in from the suburbs into a city I've never been to before. Also, note, I've never commuted by train anywhere, so many cool things. A few quick unexpected highlights: I met people my age doing the same thing I was and formed some really cool bonds. I was able to discover a city on my own, a little bit. I left feeling like a much more competent and confident person knowing I could navigate public transit, airports, and new cities on my own. Finally, my wanderlust was reawakened. Seriously, even if it's a small trip like mine was not something international, I would recommend for everyone to go somewhere solo before moving away to college. I feel so much more comfortable now.

Finally, the last two weeks of school...warning, they are absolutely insanely stressful. You are getting graduation party invites left and right while trying to meticulously plan everyday down to the minute so you can get everything done you need to have ready by graduation, plus for me, the AP tests were in the mix of all this. Luckily, as far as academia goes, in my exam bells I only had 1 test, the rest were projects and therefore more relaxed bells in the midst of the crazy event schedule. But, keeping track of what needed to be turned in when was enough to drive me almost to insanity. When you get to the end, you really want to remember every moment but I found myself more just wishing all the moments would end so I could get a full night of sleep and not have to wake up extra early to do my make-up before school.

That being said, a month later, there are memories from those last weeks I will never forget. There's the feeling of sadness being outweighed by pride and joy for myself and my classmates and so much gratitude for my teachers. There are moments where I was running on empty but kept going and am so glad I did because those moments are so precious. And there are continued moments, that remind me of how great I had it for the last four years, how great I will have it for the next four, and how the bonds I made don't break by a few weeks apart even if every time I leave someone now it's with an awkward "see you later, erm, or good luck next year since I don't know when I'll see you next."

So this is to senior year, the most stressful yet the sweetest memory yet,
XOXO
Gretchen