I am the lucky one, but I still deserve to mourn

I've decided that the month of April is just a sucky month. It used to be my favorite, when I was young and didn't really know what pain felt like. Now, it seems this month comes every year to haunt me with things increasingly worse...worse than I imagine things could have been. 

Let me give you a little bit of background:

Last April my Aunt died on the morning of April 8th, my half birthday, and the day of my prom...my senior prom that didn't at all go as planned and just made a heartbreak more heartbreaking. My Aunt was old, suffering greatly, someone who had been so sick for so many years that she'd escaped death's grasps many times already. My prom date was supposed to like me back and we were supposed to discuss that. Fun fact: he's been dating the girl he went back to college to hours after I dropped him off after prom. 

This year, I don't even know where to begin, it started before April with the sudden and senseless killing of a close friend. Now, my cousin, who was happily pregnant has found out she had a miscarriage. This doesn't even take into account the amount of loss I feel for our global community right now...so much senseless killing of the things that make our world the most precious. All of us. 

Me,  I am healthy. I am thriving in school. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have two beautiful cities that I call home. I still have so many friends and family members that make my heart so happy. I am good. I am the lucky one. 

But when do we stop denying ourselves suffering just because it's not us that the bad things are happening to?

It's funny, yesterday I had a conversation with my aunt, my aunt who was preparing to welcome her new grandbaby who is no longer on the way. She said to me that it's good to let ourselves feel so that things don't get bottled up and we live an unhealthy life. All I thought was I wish I knew how to do that, how to attack my feelings head on instead of keeping them inside forever. 

How did I get this way? Let me fill you in on that too. 

12 years ago I was a first grader who had a few really good friends. One of them was named Gino and we spent time in the after school program that my mom ran. He was a ray of sunshine and I like to play with him because he was so positive and that's something I have always lacked. Happy by nature, yes but positive, no. 

One day my parents came home from something and I remember sitting on the arm of our couch and hearing my mom say to me "Gino is dead." I was 7 years old and I didn't understand what dead meant really. I knew the word and definition but someone just being gone forever? No idea. 

The next morning I was in my first grade classroom and somehow Gina had come up, as does when a student dies and I remember crying (side note: the biggest pride of my kindergarten year was that I didn't cry once). Then remember almost as quickly as the tears started a girl said condescendingly, "Why are you crying?" I remember fleeing to hide behind this giant stuffed animal penguin in the cubby next to mine. I remember feeling it was so wrong for me to mourn and be sad. 

I don't think I ever got over that feeling because I still felt like that little first grader all week while my friend was fighting for her life, when the news came she was gone, at the beautiful prayer service surrounded by our friends and classmates. I always need to be the strongest and there are always people who are out there who have it worse. Somehow that's engrained into my being more than anything else. 

I've come to call this my self destruct complex, because that's what it has turned into. The thing is though, when you've not been properly dealing with emotions for 12 years, it's hard to remember what it is like to have a healthy emotional process. I have no reference point or a before when I felt like my heart and mind were in order. It's been a mess for years with peaks and valleys with the only shining light being "time heals all wounds." 

Well, I don't think time can do all the work on its own. So, as I am less than 6 months out from my twenties and feeling again that suffocating grief and shouting reminder that I am the lucky one, I am searching for a way to let myself be unlucky for a minute. Let myself feel the pain and heal from it so that I can truly be that strong person for others. 

International Women's Day

I had never been to Washington, D.C. Not once in my entire life until today, International Women's Day. It feels prophetic, like a calling of sorts to put things into action that I've wanted to do for a long time. It feels wrong to sit here and not record my thoughts in the city that founded my country. 

In my humble opinion, education is the key to life. It's also a great privilege that not many in the world are lucky to have. I have been blessed with the best education possible in my life and it has made all the difference. I understand our government and I have learned the versions of history that aren't whitewashed and male focused. I am lucky. 

History is a funny thing; it predicts the future if we look closely. And yet, in the year 2017 we have not learned to learn from the past to make change in the future. It feels like it could be the 1800s and I am part of Susan B. Anthony's women's movement. It could be a century in our past and I am joining Alice Paul and Lucy Burns in their movement. So much has happened since then but not nearly enough. One thing hasn't changed though, women are pushing the world to be better and leading the way on the path to change.

It's disheartening that gender is still a determining factor for who holds the power when really, each person is born equal. Society has built a constraint. Gender roles need to end. Men can be emotional. Women can be stoic. Anyone can be anything they want to be. And as a national who stands for "liberty and justice for all," we are all to be held accountable when things are not done in the name of liberty and justice. 

No matter who you are or where you come from, it's clear that there is more we can do and better that we can do for everyone. 

This month is Women's History Month and as a passionate advocate for feminism and a history nerd, I want to share those women's stories that aren't told. 

Now, women, be YOU! You can do anything and be anyone. Break down the barriers for yourself and for others. Celebrate the women who have changed your life. But, when it comes down to it, celebrate yourself.  Celebrate your power as woman. Know your strengths, your passions, your dignity and use all that you are to make your life what you want it to be. Celebrate yourself. Celebrate women. 

Dining Hall Blues

It's week 4 of second semester and my body is ready to rip me a new one. To give you some background, my biggest worry about going to college in the first place was how dining hall meals would make me feel. I have a long history of most foods upsetting my stomach, especially heavier foods. That's the kind of food you usually get when it's being made in bulk. 

Well, semester came and went with little issues. I felt like I was pooping all the time but you know, that's what happens when majority of what you're eating is carbs and cheese. That's about all I trust in the dining halls, at least. 

This semester, it seems the quality of food has either significantly decreased or my insides are simply sick of the crap that's going in them. Probably the latter. I'm sick of it too. I love food but what fun is it when eating makes my stomach churn so much I'm afraid I might vomit. Yeah, no fun. 

I'm exhausted. I'm bloated. My skin has been breaking out since I've gotten back to school. My emotions are completely out of whack. 

I've had enough. 

For the next few days, I'm going to try out a few juice cleanse drinks and switch over to eating only fruits and vegetables..and of course feeding my addiction to dark chocolate...in hopes of that something in that will clear out the grossness in my body. 

I originally started this blog with a lifestyle and wellness positioning, as a way to share my journey and a way to hold myself accountable for goals I set out. That's what I'm doing here now. 

We're all on a constant journey to try and understand our bodies and what makes us feel good versus what does not and this is yet another step for me. 

Hopefully I'll be back in a few days with positive results from this change in diet and cleansing juices. 

XOXO,

Gretchen

6 Highlights of 2016

Globally, 2016 has kinda not been the best. Maybe it seems that way because I am getting to the age where I can better understand everything happening in the world and I have a say in things in my country. But I think we can all agree that we are looking at 2017 with hope for an opportunity to create change for the better.

Personally, 2016 has been one of my best years yet. Last January I challenged myself to really move out of my comfort zone this year and find a peace within myself that would carry me to wherever I wanted to go. I knew the year would offer many challenges for me with my first solo-trip, high school graduation, and moving out of my home on top of trying to learn how to manage my ever-increasing anxiety. With every year, there were some downs. Some weeks and days that just felt plain awful. I think I cried more this year than any other year I can recall. I am the worst off financially that I've ever been. But, even with all that, I look back at 2016 with a huge smile and as possibly my favorite year yet. So here we go, in no particular order, my year!

1. People. I have met and nurtured so many relationships this year with people I've known for my entire life and faces that I've only just known for a few months. I kind of am known to hate people and really, I still don't like people all that much. But, the more people I meet, the less hopeless for humanity I feel, despite everything. I've made some of the most amazing friends this year. I feel truly blessed that I've gained so many friends in Chicago and U can't wait to see where those friendships and the ones from home continue to grow.

2. Anxiety. My number one beast from 2015 was my anxiety. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't happy and I couldn't control it. After many visits to my counsellor and so much trial and error, I've found what is working for now to keep me in check. Some silly things still get me riled up, but I know what I can do to calm down and ride the waves with minimal effects that are damaging to my life and relationships.

3. Solo-Travel. While I wasn't staying alone, it was a bit daunting going to a new city and traveling in and out of it on public transit (which I'd never used) for the first time. This was one of my favorite trips ever, getting to stay with a best friend and her puppy and meet her family, watching my favorite sport at it's peak (sadly not my teams peak) and meeting the athletes, and exploring a new city. It was everything I could have wished for and was so empowering. I paid for the flights, the tickets to the events, organized everything for myself and that in and of itself felt amazing. I would highly recommend it and plan on doing similarly many more times.

4. Sports. I think it's every sports fan's dream to see their team in action. I'm not a conventional sports as I follow women's soccer and figure skating so it's a little more challenging than heading to a big city to see your favorite national baseball or football team. Luck really struck with me this year though as the figure skating world championships were in Boston and a grand prix event in Chicago and the USWNT was playing in Chicago. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I saw almost all of my favorite athletes in action.

5. College. I wasn't sure at all what to expect going into my first semester of college but whatever standards and expectations I had were completely hit out of the park. This semester was a home run. Don't mind the baseball puns while I reminisce about going to the Cubs victory parade. College has taught me a lot of things. How to live with friends down the hall, make time for eating, study and work, and still find adventure in the world around me. It's hard. It's really hard. But, somehow in all the challenges, it has made me feel more alive than ever and see the beauty in living.

6. Loving Myself. This is something that was a big focus for me this year. I don't generally feel unhappy with myself, so I don't mean this in that way. My focus was on bettering my life and I found that to do that, I had to find what made me feel good and do things for me, not for others. Sometimes it's important to be selfish in small ways and this year I learned how to balance that and still be giving. This wasn't an easy thing to learn at all. Sometimes I really want to do things but it is key to put myself first. The key is knowing you and being true to you.

I look forward in 2017 and see there are things I've lost over the past year in this time of so many transitions but I look knowing that that is okay. This was a pretty tough year but looking back and seeing the progress I made as a person makes every challenge worth it and my smile spread just a bit wider. Here's to another amazing year!